Amazing Grace
After growing up with parents who both divorced and remarried multiple times, I was certain that I never wanted to be married or have children. I did not want to be responsible for the heart and mind of another human being. Having experienced my own hurt and abandonment issues, I never wanted to have the daunting task of guiding someone through the obstacles of this world. I was relieved as a teenager to be told that it would be highly unlikely that I would have children due to PCOS (and my chronic virginity that I largely attributed to my unibrow), however fast forward a decade or so and not only did I have my very own shotgun wedding, but I was divorced and raising a curly haired ball of energy named Grace.
I tell her all the time, and I will share it with anyone who will listen, being a mom quite literally saved my life. I had battled severe depression during my marriage before I found my way to independence and self-sufficiency. I remember the night, drifting to sleep pleading with God to give me something to live for or I would take matters into my own hands and end it. I had a dream that night that I was pregnant and in the dream gave birth to a little girl named Grace Elizabeth (for those who love origin stories, I looked up that name the next morning and it basically translates down to “Blessing” and “God’s Promise”.) There were other crazy dreams during the pregnancy, as well which did make me wonder if I was crazy or actually pregnant. One even involved me giving birth to a fish - but after that first night - I knew I was going to be a mother and I found out shortly afterwards that I was, in fact, pregnant.
The pregnancy and the first few years of her life were anything but easy. After losing what would have been Grace’s little sister and nearly passing myself as a result, my first marriage (more frequently referred to as my first pancake) ended. Grace and I started the next chapter of our story, where I did my very best to solidify a co-dependent relationship where I included her in everything, while keeping it as age appropriate as possible. She had to grow up fast, but was still a little (a lot) spoiled. She never knew we were broke. She knew that mom would solve every problem and heal every wound. We danced in our underpants, played guitars in the living room, watched the same episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Gilmore Girls on repeat, held funerals for spiders, and obviously did the whole work/school thing too. She was my life and I was never going to let her feel anything less.
Unnnnnnnnntil….I reconnected with a boy from high school. He liked that I had two eyebrows now and we both played video games and made each other laugh. Grace had turned ten just a few months before Brent came back in my life full time and I knew that the bubble that we had been living in where no boys had ever been welcome was about to change. But, as anyone who has every tried to blend a family can attest, it comes with certain challenges. I was open with Grace - or as open as I felt was appropriate given her age. She knew well in advance about Brent and that he was going to be moving in with us. We worked hard to meet her where she was and protect her heart, but there are just some things that cannot be helped…some hurts that cannot be avoided.
We had our fair share of struggles with Grace growing up. She resented Brent at times for breaking up the girl’s club and was not always kind in words or actions toward him. Brent did his best to be a buddy and a friend, never trying to replace her dad, but wanting to stand in the gap when her biological father dropped the ball and caused her hurts. He also struggled with the freakishly close relationship Grace and I had that included sleeping in the same bed on a regular basis, sharing the bathrooms, and never closing doors or knocking - ever. I struggled being in the middle trying to explain how they were the two halves of my heart and I needed them both.
I share all this, not to cause further distress to my daughter who endured a great deal during her childhood including the loss of her father when she was 16. I don’t want drag any of us through all of the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve scenarios that come with years of hindsight, maturity, and healing. But I do want to share with everyone what makes Brent so special to Grace and I - in spite of the struggles we endured.
Grace got picked on by these girls at school in her sixth grade year. They were especially mean to her one day and one of them had the audacity to tell her that she was “lame” (sixth grade problems…amiright?}. She was obviously, devastated and as she cried when she got home telling us the story, Brent was livid. He called that girl names that I am fairly certain nobody should be called, let alone an 11 year old girl. (He’s very protective and has a talent with stringing profanities together in a way that would make Deadpool look like an amateur).
The next day, I came home from work to find a gift on the table with a note propped up against it addressed to “Amazing Grace”. When I asked him what it was, he told me not to worry about it. Shortly after, Grace got home from school and found the gift and note. Inside was a new zebra print lunch box containing a long john donut from Publix filled with buttercream (a special treat that he’d get her on their super secret trips to the store when I was at work). She cried as she read the letter and she hugged him tight and even offered to share her treat with him. He hugged her right back and told her it was just for her and to never let anyone make her feel like she wasn’t special…and if they did, he’d kick their ass.
You see, once Brent loves you - he loves you forever. This means that no matter what difficulties you might face, you face them together. Now, as our family faces this battle with Brent’s illness, Grace is now channeling some of the lessons that Brent taught her and she is showing up for us both in big and small ways. She brought her entire family down from Wyoming to see us back in April to make sure that Brent got to meet his grandbaby, Wysteria, before his symptoms progressed too much further. She sends us pictures of the kids when we are going through tough moments, so that we remember to smile. She and her husband play video games with Brent (while fighting with each other and/or yelling at the dogs) and Brent just smiles through it.
He tells me all the time how proud he is that she has found her own way. Even though we know her journey wasn’t always easy, she is happily married, caring for Colton and Wizzy, gardening, raising chickens, and doing life on her own terms. People sometimes say that blood is thicker than water and you HAVE to be there for family. In today’s modern age, people will go no contact with family to avoid toxic situations and replace them with a chosen family instead. I am super proud to say that even though we all gave each other reasons to not like each other over the years, we always…ALWAYS loved each other.
As Grace braces to lose another father figure, we are circling the wagons and doing everything we can to make sure that our family unit - the three musketeers - stay solid and leave nothing unsaid. So here is to our Amazing Grace….
She saved my life, allowed Brent to be a father and a friend, taught us both to keep fighting for people and loving through the most impossible situations…and more than that, she lets us be a part of her family with Jesse, Colton, Wysteria, the cat, flock of dogs, and herd of chickens she shares her world with.
